Here they are.
Part A - when you are invited to diner
1. Do eat before you go.
If you are Chinese and used to have your diner at 6H30pm, you better eat before you go. Diner party begins at 8pm, since most people tend to be fashionably late, diner is not likely to be served until 9pm or later. By this time, you are starving. A friend told me how he suffered, literally suffered, for three hours at Hotel Crillion.
"What, Hotel Crillon? How did you get in?" I was jealous because at that time, I had never set foot in one of the most historical hotels in Paris.
"We were invited but don't worry there was nothing to eat. For two hours, we were served little bits of something cold and since I don't take any alcohol, drinking fruit juice with an empty stomach was quite tough".
"Little bits of something"? I assume he was referring to the hors d'oeuvres the Orbit's chef carefully prepared for the guests from Beijing. They contained either truffles, fois gras, carvier, champagne mouse and all the exquisitely expensive, decadently delicious stuff.
"Just as I was about to pass out, we eventually got to sit down. There was a cold dish with vegetable, froth, and shreds of dry meat in front of me....all I wanted was a bowl of hot noodle and soup...."
What a waste....
Viola, Hotel Crillon, behind the famous fountain into which Andrea threw her phone when Miranda called her in "Devil Wears Prada").
2. Do be late.
It is very rude to be on time. The French hosts are never ready for dinner parties. I know because I was on time on my own wedding day.....
Viola, Chateau d'Ermenonville.
We had the whole Chateau d'Ermenonville for our wedding reception. Our guests who were taking the rooms in the Chateau all arrived at the same time in the afternoon. On the invitation (yes, my father-in-law gave me an invitation as well. why not?) it said cocktail reception began at 18H.
I had only one dress to choose from so it was relatively easy. Hair and make-up were done before we left Paris. My husband were catching up with his friends/relatives who he had not seen for sometime. I looked at my watch, 18H, time to go downstairs for the party!
No one was at the lobby where the cocktail was supposed to be except a young waitress standing next to the bar elegantly set out looking very inviting. I asked her for a glass of champagne.
She was terrified, "I have to check if we can start. Let me check first".
Does she think that I was gate-crashing? Does it happen often in France where a distraught ex arrive at a wedding ...dressed in bridal gown ....with an axe ....(I had images of some b-grade horror movies).
"Pardon us, we'd never had a bride who comes down alone...early.." The manager came and quickly served me a drink. He was all manners and proper; as if his ancestors had served Jean-Jacques Rousseau at this very premises some time ago.
OK. it was quite an extreme case, no bride in this world would show up at her party alone and on time. And since I had decided that it was the last wedding in my life, I even got up and gave a speech without prior warning (a Belgium friend kindly served as interpreter for me from English to French).
Conclusion: 15 minutes late is polite. 30 minutes is acceptable given your friendship with the host. More than 30 minutes you are probably stretching the limit unless you are someone very important....like, the bride...then in that case, take your time
3. Do Give Present
Flowers, champagne, wine, and chocolate are the most standard presents. One observation I must share with you is that they are quite attached to the presents they gave out. In a way, the present was never given out. The hostess would often ask the guest who came with the chocolates if she should serve the chocolates after the dinner. Sometime the chocolate-owner would say, "non, garde les pour vous. (not now, save these for yourselves" or "oui, bien sur (yes, serve them now)". I said once "ca m'est egale (I don't care either way)" when I was requested to determine the fate of the objects which, to my mind, already belonged to the hostess. More than once a male guest arrived at the door with a bottle of champagne and instructed me "keep this in the fridge for now. this Rose goes well with dessert".
(An American friend told me that her mother-in-law inquired what happened to the ashtray bestowed upon the couple as wedding present some 10 years ago.
"I've given up smoking".
"So you must have given them to your parents, last time I saw them they were smoking")
Unless you are very close to the hostess (not just the host), don't bring your home-made cookies/dessert without first checking with her. One way to a French man's heart is through his stomach, if your dessert works out too well, it's like you are doing a dance of Salome on the dinning table in front of her husband. Then again, if your cooking is not up to the standard .....like Sansan says, "no need, ma'am, nobody eat, all trow after".
To be very elegant and chic, have a bouquet of flowers delivered to the hostess before the dinner. It is costly but it works the best.
Here, I must share my famous story of recycling gifts. The first time my husband and I hosted a diner in Taipei as married couple, the guest who arrived on time was a Taiwanese, a dear friend, lawyer and mentor. He came with a bottle of wine. "Tthis will give you face 這個一定給你面子" I had no savoir faire at the time and asked him what kind of wine (besides the color being red) it was.
"I don't know either. You know I don't drink alcohol nor can I read French".
"But is it good enough to serve? The other guests are French...."
"Trust me, I got this bottle from someone who owed me a big favor. This bottle's worth must be proportional to the trouble I got him out of ".
Taiwanese people still operate upon trust. I had faith in him and he had faith in another person.
Later my husband and his French friends were extremely impressed with this Chateau Margaux 1983. My Taiwanese friend didn't take one drop, but he was satisfied that the favor he did was returned.
4. Don't eat with your hand except asparagus
Since knife and fork were introduced by Francois I's Italian wife, together with piano and ballet, the French insisted on using knife and fork for every thing except asparagus. Sooner or later I have to make a short film to demonstrate this point which means I need collaboration from an actor friend.
In fact, though you have the liberty of eating asparagus with your fingers, it still requires practice and skills to eat properly, especially in public, suggestion: practice at home first before you feel confident enough. otherwise avoid diner parties in April which is the only season asparagus is fresh.
5. Don't touch the wine bottle if you are a woman
It is rather a sight. You see the hostess busying herself all day, (of course you don't really see that, you imagine it when you arrive and see that everything is set out nicely in the salon, the table is decorated with freshly cut flowers, there is lovely fragrance from the kitchen, she had kneaded the dough for the pie crust herself that morning, marinated the beef in red wine, chopped the celery into tiny cubes, mixed her own mayonnaise yet she looked impeccable, immaculate and poised.) When you finally finish the l'apero and sit at the table. The host will take over and do the serving, especially the wine bottle. A woman of good family is not supposed to touch the wine bottle herself. The man sitting next to her should be the one in charge of filling up her wine glass, holding the plate of food for her while she serves herself.
6. Don't ask for recipe
Remember how my husband in "French mom" would not divulge his recipe for rabbit? Don't ever ask for recipe. We were in Tasmania once, yes, the end of the world for a lot of people, where there was a French restaurant run by a French woman from Brittany who came for a trip and met her Australian man 40 years ago and stayed ever since. Her dishes were good but nothing really extraordinary. Still, when a table of British retirees praised her cooking and said, rather casually, as these British were the least likely to copy the recipes at home, "how did you make this? they are absolutely wonderful!"
"I cannot tell you my recipe, my recipe is my recipe" She was quite offended.
7. Do interrupt when your fellow diners are talking.
8. Do talk about politics.
9. Do say "no, no no no no" even when you agree. Don't hesitate to say "No, I don't agree". It's fun to debate, especially after some good wine.
10. Do not give out business cards at a family diner event.
Then how do you know what your neighbor does? You don't and that is the fun part. You discuss ideas, events, voyage, exchange stories, people you know, the latest films, books, interesting blogs like A Taiwanese in Paris, and form an idea of the person based on the information you receive.
"It is a more romantic way to interact with people rather than hiding behind a business card". An HR executive told me.
" What if you say the wrong things as you don't know the identity of the interlocutor?" Sounds scary if you don't know you are talking to a big shot or a nobody, I'm too Chinese/too corporate and too bourgeoisie to speak to people without first knowing their identity.
"Then you make a faux pas, too bad". He understands Chinese practice of card exchange well enough, "diner party is to relax, not to do business".
(Actually, Chinese business card exchange is to achieve efficiency and to avoid faux pas. It is best to know who you are talking to immediately so you can conduct yourself accordingly. )
11. Do drain your glass if you want a refill, because the next bottle served may not be the same and it is not a done thing to mix wine from different bottles.....then it depends on how many bottles have been consumed who is sober enough to keep an eye on these things except for Guava who does not drink wine.
12. Don't give out your telephone number to a man at one of these parties unless you do want to go further, they won't call just to show you his stamp collections.
13. Do praise the dishes.
14. Do make sure your both hands are on the table.
15. Do call/email the next day to thank the hostess.
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